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An Update

On Monday I posted about calling CPS on my uncle. Making that call was one of the hardest, gut-churning, heart-wrenching things I’ve done in my life. But I know it was the right choice. What he did was a felony…I was just scared of the consequences. 

Before making the call I was nervous. But I thought I’d be fine after hanging up the phone. That’s how it normally works with things you’re dreading. 

But I wasn’t. If anything I was worse than before. So I posted about it. Hoping that just typing it (and maybe somebody’s wise words) would settle my stomach and my heart. 

But it didn’t. I woke up Tuesday just as nauseous. People at work asked me what was wrong. I told them. It didn’t help. 

So I called my dad. See, it was my mother’s brother who I called in. I didn’t feel I could talk to her about it, but my dad would understand. So I called him. I explained. He told me that he had been close to doing it himself before. He was curious why I didn’t talk to anyone about it before. But he was glad I had done it, he was proud. He promised to keep me in the loop and then we hung up. 

And finally I felt at peace. I felt like crying, but I was at peace. 

I think what I needed to hear was someone inside the situation say it was okay. That it was right, and that they’d help me take care of it. They were proud. 

I was so scared of telling someone in my family, but the second I did it made it better. 

 

So I’m going to say this. 

If you think there’s a chance that a loved one is being abused, call. It can only hurt NOT to. The woman on the phone with me told me up front that after hearing what I said they would decide how to handle it. In my case they chose to act. I’m glad. 

Just make sure that when you hang up, if you need to tell someone, tell them. Go with your gut. Mine said to tell my family, so I found the right person to tell, and it help. 

Not calling is the worst thing that can be done. Children have the right to be protected, so help protect them. 

And if you need someone to talk to after…just drop a word here. Trust me, I understand. But peace can be found. 

 

I’m very thankful that I no longer regret making the right choice. It was a horrible feeling and I’m glad to be rid of it. I’m proud of myself for protecting my cousins. I love them, and they deserve the best life has to offer. This just might be the only way of giving that to them

-Renee

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A confession

Today’s entry is most unusual. You will not find humour here. You will not find apologies for posts unmade. You will only find a confession that I cannot make elsewhere. A few people in my real life, who know my real name, know this already, but I need to write it down. I need feed back, because I am terrified of what I did. 

Today I called child protective services to report my uncle. 

I am terrified of the consequences. 

I had to call though, because of what my mother told me over the weekend. You see, my uncle is an alcoholic. And apparently some time last week, he was at a CostCo, getting drunk, and had my cousins in tow. Then he got a call that he had to go get something so he got in the car. Drunk. With my cousins in tow. And apparently while driving, they were bickering the back seat. So he turned around to hit them to get them to stop. While drunk and driving. And then he hit a curb and a wheel fell off his car. But since he didn’t hit anyone else, he avoided the DUI by not calling the cops. 

But all of this happened while drunk, driving, and attempting to hit my cousins. And hearing that story made me sick inside. 

And after watching him spank my cousin years before and watch it go from a punishment to a beating, I couldn’t let it stand for another moment. 

Because God Forbid next time he hits someone else. And kills them. Or my cousins. I couldn’t stand the guilt.

But I’m honestly terrified of what it will do to my family. I’m afraid of it getting back to my grandmother, who pampers my uncle and pretends there’s nothing wrong. Who enables him and cleans up after his messes. I’m afraid she will disown me for doing this. 

I’m afraid that after CPS leaves the house (because, yes, they did see it as an incident that they needed to look into) that he’ll beat them, thinking they told someone, or called themselves. 

I’m afraid of him committing suicide, because he’s been downspiraling for so long, it’s definitely a possibility. I cannot stand the man at this point, but I don’t want to see that happen to the kids. I don’t want to see it pull apart my family. 

I’m afraid of what my mother might do if she finds out what I did with the “gossip” she gave me. 

I’m just out and out terrified. 

I know I did the right thing. I know it. And I would do it again to protect my cousins. They are innocent in this. 

But I’m so scared. 

I thought making the call might ease the tension I had over it. Might bring some relief. But the moment she said they would be sending someone to the house I started crying. I can’t help but see what might happen, and chills me to the bones.

What can I do to ease this pain? How can I live with myself if the consequences are dire? 

I think I’m going to be sick. 

-Renee

So. Well…I can’t blame the house this time, because a lot of the last two months was waiting and waiting and waiting. So I’m not going to offer excuses this time, because it’s boring and dull and not entirely sincere.

Truth is, I kinda forgot about the blog. I have no clue why.

However, in unrelated news, I got the absolute joy of meeting Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess) tonight and she gave me the best advice for dealing with my depression/ADD/and newly diagnosed social anxiety (more on that revelation later). It was given to her by the GREAT Neil Gaiman. “Pretend you’re good at it.”

So this is me, pretending to be good at it in all things. It’s been awhile, but my life can seem dull from time to time I guess. There were a few things that have happened that I plan on talking about, because they were highly amusing and stick out in my mind. I’m listing them for my benefit not yours, so feel free to skip this post and read about how my kitten punched me again (or for the first time depending on who you are. If you’re here for the first time, I promise, I’m not this dull usually. But it’s been a long week and I’m tired and Monday is going to suck and it’s looming. I need a nap).

So since we haven’t spoken I’ve

-Gone camping with Big A little a and learned what living really is

-Been diagnosed with social anxiety and had my entire life make sense to me

-Gotten approved on my house

-Been a dipshit in most things and I forgot I had a blog. Oh and we got another cat.

So I will try to write tomorrow, but no promises because I think the title of this post is a good enough disclaimer.

Until next time, I’m sorry my brain is forgetful. I’m trying to have it replaced

-Renee

PS a VERY belated congratulations to Mrs Tribble on her (not so anymore, but still totally awesome and long due) wedding! I’m so happy that it finally happened for you! About time!

This was supposed to be a post about how my dreams lately have felt like someone is slipping me LSD in my sleep but I forgot to email the beginning of it from my email at work where I started it.

So instead it’s a lame post saying it was supposed to be awesome and that I’m an idiot.

My apologies.

-Renee