Category: CSI is lying


For those of you that were hoping for a positive(ish) post, I’m sorry but you’re going to be disappointed.

Why?

Cause work hates me.

Here’s another thing they don’t tell you on all those damn TV shows. Crime Labs are NOT immune to dumbass technology. Nor is the Police Department immune to the dumbass idea of using about three different programmes to keep track of everything.

And for some reason right now, these programmes aren’t “talking” to one another. Maybe one had an affair or something, but whatever happened, I’m now stuck picking up the damn pieces while the Computer Tech people work on the problem like a really slow bunch of marriage counselors that are milking your time for a damn paycheck.

I might go insane. This happened last year and I pretty much forgot how to function like a human. Boo. No one like Robot Renee.

(Insert bitchy elaboration that I’m not quite sure I can post because it might be toeing the line of vagueness/getting me firedness)

By the way, if anyone else has noticed, my train of thought seems to be a little less random these days. This would be because I have started to take a new medication for my ADHD (yea, you read that right, my new doctor says I have the ‘H’ (which when put that way, sounds a bit like a dirty disease that you need to see someone in a back alley to get rid of, but you just end up contracting something worse when you’re in the alley so what was the point?))……suddenly I feel like scrapping this whole paragraph because now the point seems moot, but I think it works as a great example of the different way my brain works when I forget to take the meds in the morning. Which I did today.

Might be why today kinda drug on….BOO

Anyways, the past couple posts I’ve written were done when I had taken the medicine, so my thoughts are more subdued and linear. And this works WONDERS for what I need it for: my driving and my work (the latter mostly so my coworkers don’t try to kill me when I start bouncing all over the lab. That would be bad for everyone). However, when I come home I want to be all ‘old me’ again, and he has me on an extended release pill that doesn’t really wear off until right before bed. And no one wants me posting when I’m that tired. It’s not pretty.

So my thought is to ask him to just put me on a regular dosage, but I’m wondering if he’ll question my motives. How do you tell your doctor that you want what’s best for you, but you also want to be a little bit crazy because writing’s more fun that way?

I guess first I have to worry about remembering to take my pill that morning and working from there.

But is that something legitimate to ask for? Or am I being really dumb, sacrificing my mental health just so I can write better? Thoughts?

Oh and the ultimate sign that you’re both bored and easily amused is that long moment where you get distracted by the embroidery machine while it’s sewing. Wow.

-Renee

Advertisements

Have you ever looked down at the supplies for a craft project that you want/have to do and know that somehow, someway, you’re going to fuck it up beyond comprehension….?

Welcome to my life. I have absolutely no artistic talent. I have always blame this on the fact that my parents decided to have a second child.

No there’s logic here, hear me out!

When I was four and five, we lived in a three bedroom house, and the third bedroom was my art room. This room because fucktard’s room when he was born. He can draw and all this artisty shit and I blame it on the fact that he sucked all the artistic talent from that room that I would have had if he wasn’t born.

So now you know why the following story happened. I can’t do crafts and asking me to will end in disaster. Or as I decided to call it “Tim Taylor-ing the whole thing”.

Okay here’s the set up:

We use these dryer things to dry swabs before sending them to DNA. They have trays that you put the swabs in and then slide them in. They’re probably a great set decoration on CSI somewhere. Since they are used for DNA purposes we clean them with bleach to kill any DNA that could possibly be behind it. Bleach is corrosive. And I don’t care how strong the glue and plastic of these things are, things are bound to get cocked up. This is why we can buy more.

I also have a moronic supervisor (thankfully not my immediate…she has no power over me, it is kinda awesome). She has no common sense whatsoever and a terrible memory and I can’t stand her.

Add these two things together? Welcome to last Friday.

Dumbass is cleaning the tray and the bottom falls out. Had I seen it I probably would have laughed out loud and gotten myself into trouble. As it was I was dealing with our Biohazard Trash (which will probably contribute to the cancer. YAY!) and all I heard was her saying my name the second after it happened. (A) WTF why is something breaking automatically by fault? I have no (B)….She hands it to me asking me to fix it after just saying that it could probably just super glue it back together. I blink at her a bit, and thank god she couldn’t see my jaw hanging wide open under my mask cause I couldn’t believe she couldn’t glue it back together herself or how the hell this was my damn problem.

So I set it aside and ignore her like I normally do, but when she leaves at the end of the day she tells me that she’s going to email the person the swab dryer ‘belongs’ to (yea she’s fucking up OTHER people’s equipment) and let them know what happened so she doesn’t freak out (she was going to freak out anyway…) and that she would probably MacGyver it back together….if I even knew who that was…

REALLY?!??!?! FUCK YOU AND YOUR PATRONIZATION!!!!!!! FUCKING WHORE!

Plus two lines of glue really isn’t MacGyver’s style. It’s totally beneath him. To be honest it’s totally more Tim Taylor’s style. So I took it upon myself to fix it just to prove a point…it’s not like we don’t have kick ass super glue at our discretion….

So yea this is where I fuck up. Since I don’t use our super glue EVER I didn’t know how fast it was going to come out so it ended up pooling all over the bottom of the tray, not just on the two grooves I needed it on…SO…..I put the tray where it should go and try to clean up the extra glue which is now all over the counter and my fingers and almost ending up gluing the damn thing to my hand…now my fingerprints are on the damn thing in glue…there is just no denying this one. So I kept trying to make it better, simultaneously making it worse and finally deem it relatively okay and go get the rest of my work done.

About an hour or so before leaving I decide that the tray is dry enough and that I should probably put it out on the analyst’s counter so she knows it’s done. Fifteen minutes later…it’s glued itself to the table.

Thank you Tim for teaching me how to royally fuck things up. Cause that one was spectacular.

Although I was quite amused by the outline of the tray on the counter. I guess I always leave my mark!

-Renee

….So….I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while…I think the plan was to write it last Saturday (read: a week ago, damn I’m behind) but I was busy being all immobile and such.

So…There are certain things about my job that make me realize that I’m kinda insane and no one finds this shit and funny as I do. Except possibly HCT cause she started it. Poor thing has to go and fingerprint criminals and decided to practice on me last Friday. This was a dumb move because I decided to be ornery the whole time so she would be ready to deal with whatever bullshit inmates were to throw at her. She was pretty good at it too; she totally caught me when I tried to run away (although where I was going was a mystery seeing as how she was blocking the exit from the lab…). But I swear that I was helping. By running away. And making it super hard to print me. And having shitty fingerprints. Totally all me trying to be difficult. I am awesome…

I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to kill me yet, or just flat out stopped talking to me. Maybe because she’s using me for Bones info…I feel cheap and used now.

Anyways, in true “I work with fingerprints, therefore looking at patterns is entertaining” fashion, she notices something I never did.

My right thumbprint has a Superman ‘S’ in its core (the part in the middle that is the generally at the centre of your fingerprint, it’s also where the ridges get much closer together. I dunno how to explain it. Google it you lazy bastards!

Side note: the lights in my house just flickered…either my mum is ironing or we have a demon. I’m hoping for demon, I could make my own movie series….Does anyone know where I can buy cheap, but efficient video cameras? Anyone want to loan me theirs? I’ll give you like a percent of my profit. That may or may not be negotiable.

Another side note: my cat is too damn adorable. She heard the garage go up and perked up from a deep sleep like “FOOD?!?!?!?!” Then she moved to where I sleep on the bed just to piss me off…scratch that adorable thing…

ANYWAY (wow I have issues and should not have caffeine after 7. I’m like a Gremlin only less cute. And furry. Which is a good thing)

So we decided at that point to name my fingers after Super Heroes and Super Villains. Of course, this was after a heated debate about mixing comics and whether that was okay and if Batman counts as a Super Hero (and if he doesn’t, are we still allowed to use his villains? I don’t know if that came up but it should have).

So now my right hand is the forces of good. My thumb is Superman and my index finger is The Invisible Woman (I looked it up HCT, we were wrong). That one is named because when she printed it numerous times, the core kept disappearing and it was pissing her off. I was cackling with amusement. 😀

My left hand is the villains. The thumb is Two Face because of the pattern type (look up Double Loop if you’re curious to understand why we named it that way. Explaining it would be boring and then you would never listen to my ramblings again…and I would CRY…). My index finger is The Riddler because it forms a question mark when printed. It’s AWESOME (only because it was the only one I named).

Yea that’s right, I have so little control in my life that I can’t name my own damn prints (not that that’s a normal occurrence or anything, but still). All I have to do now is convince her to name the others, because they feel left out and are starting to rebel.

And on that note I leave you because I have to stop a finger riot. Or sleep. One of those.

-Renee

So earlier this week HCT asked me if I had written another post and I said no and I was trying to figure out a good excuse and today I decided to blame it all on T-y. It’s working out for me.

Have you ever put your iPod on shuffle and wondered if it had multiple personalities? I think some times that my iPod is spoiling me by backing my favourite songs together, and sometimes I think it’s just being incredibly strange because it goes from a fast and loud song to something incredibly soft and it totally fucks with your brain…then you start to write something (like this post for instance) and leave the soft song even though you really don’t like it. I’m dumb hold on.

Nope, still not working for me. Eh…That’s it.

Okay sorry, can’t be myself when my iPod’s pretending it’s in happy land. This song has the word ‘cannibal’ in it. It works for now.

So my job is cooler than yours. You want to know how I know this? Can you get inside a body bag at your work? NO. But I can. And I can take a picture of it and then giggle because the lighting really makes me look dead and it would be the BEST FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE EVER and then I can post it on facebook and giggle some more and then have HCT tell me I’m disturbing her. Get used to it woman, that’s how I roll.

…I think “that’s how I roll” is on my list of banned words/phrases. Yes, I’ve been banned from words and if you think about it, it’s probably for the best.

In other news I move out tomorrow, and it’s a damn good thing because my sanity (which is a part time resident anyway) is almost completely gone and I’m so stressed out I want to cry. That might be the real reason I didn’t post all week…cause I was packing everything I own into boxes in a five day span–and look, I own a lot of shit. Like I have to be a level 2 or 3 hoarder, I’m not sure how the levels work but I’m somewhere in there…–but it was way more fun to blame someone else (enjoy your blame T-y!!).

Side note, does anyone know how to type that copyright circle thing? or the trademark superscript, or the R circle thing? I feel the need to trademark code names. And I think my brother’s would look awesome with a TM next to it.

I suck at segues…

-Renee

So most people in my position in life would have the goal to maybe one day help solve a serial killer case (though an existing serial killer. Having to have a new person become a serial killer just so can you can solve it is just wrong and wasteful of valuable human life. Thus proving I have morals), giving a KICK ASS testimony where even the defenseattorney is like: “I have no chance” and seeing that mofo put on death row.

However, my goal is to get just ONE person to read this blog that doesn’t know my real name. Why yes, this is a pen name, I like my job so I’ll keep TYVM. So if you’re that one person let me know cause I love being an overacheiverand I think that counts on your fourth post.

 In other news, this post was supposed to go up on Thursday but my damn computer broke. It’s been on the brink on death for months now, and I tried to get Best Buy to fix it and they just replaced the hard drive which made me way super fucking cranky. So yea, I got a bit delayed by the fact that I was trying to get the devil out of my computer.

NO REALLY. I was watching Paranormal Activity 2 one morning (awesome!) and as soon as it was over I went to do some shit on my computer and the screen starting flickering.

FLICKERING! Like it was possessed by the damn demon from the movie. And for a second I kinda thought it was but then it stopped and it was like OKAY isolated incident everything’s FINE.

Apparently I was wrong. And I had two options. (1) Holy water, (2) Best Buy geek squad. There was also the option of taking it to a priest for an exorcism but they’re not too common these days and priests are all busy and stuff and probably wouldn’t like the fact that I choose not to practise my religion, so yea. Option one would destroy my computer (I know first hand, my computer tried to take a bath once. Actually it rather succeeded and maybe the whole demon thing is revenge….Now I feel guilty for bitching in this post, but I’ve come too far to stop now).

So yes, Thursday the screen did its WOOOOI’MAGHOST deal and then the screen gave out entirely and I drove like a crazy person (as opposed to a only slightly crazy person) to Best Buy and said ‘Fix it or call a priest’, either way this better come back all better or I’ll cry or wring your neck or slap you or something, I can’t predict my behaviour.

I did leave Best Buy saying ‘Time to steal and iPad’….and I’m probably lucky they didn’t hear me say that one. I was really saying that I needed to steal my dad’s iPad so I didn’t go crazy with out a computer. Fail there, I’ve now highjacked my brother’s.

This post fails at being funny.

-Renee

PS Please be safe today

Hi, my name is Renee and I’m fucking psychotic

…Please tell me none of you said “Hi Renee” in that creepy happy zombie way they do in all anonymous meetings. Stuff gives me the willies….who the hell says willies anymore?…I do apparently…

Anyways, I’m a rather bizarre sort of person (which is what happens when you’re born and raised in the desert…120 degree heat must fry the brain). I work in law enforcement, more specifically in the field of forensics, and I think for my first entry here, I should set the record straight…or at least straighter…

(Side note: Apparently I LOVE ellipses…SEE?!)

So, Reasons why Real Forensics is nothing like CSI/NCIS/Bones/Other shows that ruin actual trials:

-Real crime labs turn the damn lights on…no really, otherwise you can’t see what you’re doing. What the hell is this blue filter crap? How do they see the minute details of their evidence, like staining or possible visible fingerprints, or hairs and fibers? Really, turn the light on for fuck’s sake. Damn

-Chain of custody!!!! Seriously, Bones drives me fucking crazy leaving evidence around like they do. Secure that shit and establish a chain, or I might cry.

-DNA is not some magical force that comes out of nowhere and secures a conviction. And no, clapping and saying “I believe in DNA” like it’s freaking Tinkerbell is not going to make that happen. Sorry.

I’m sure there are others, and I’ll probably get to them later but here’s the thing, I’m tired from a week of doing the stuff that they never show you on TV. I order supplies and deal with the tremendous amount of paperwork that comes with it (YIPEE!!! PAPERWORK!!!)…(although on the upside, I spend the government’s money, so that’s kinda fun). I change filters so that the fuming chambers work properly, and clean the powder room so that you don’t get fingerprint powder on you the second you walk in (cause that is seriously annoying). I make chemicals that will probably give me cancer later on in life, but I guess the upside there is that I guess I’ll know what caused it. I also take out the trash.

What I’m trying to say is that forensics isn’t as glamorous as it is on TV, but the work is fun and rather satisfying in the end. I love what I do, end of story.

 Except not really, because this would be a terrible blog if I just ended it here. I have plenty of stories to tell and not all of them about work. My family is insane, so that should keep me occupied for awhile.

 Stick around, it should be fun.

 -Renee