Today’s entry is most unusual. You will not find humour here. You will not find apologies for posts unmade. You will only find a confession that I cannot make elsewhere. A few people in my real life, who know my real name, know this already, but I need to write it down. I need feed back, because I am terrified of what I did. 

Today I called child protective services to report my uncle. 

I am terrified of the consequences. 

I had to call though, because of what my mother told me over the weekend. You see, my uncle is an alcoholic. And apparently some time last week, he was at a CostCo, getting drunk, and had my cousins in tow. Then he got a call that he had to go get something so he got in the car. Drunk. With my cousins in tow. And apparently while driving, they were bickering the back seat. So he turned around to hit them to get them to stop. While drunk and driving. And then he hit a curb and a wheel fell off his car. But since he didn’t hit anyone else, he avoided the DUI by not calling the cops. 

But all of this happened while drunk, driving, and attempting to hit my cousins. And hearing that story made me sick inside. 

And after watching him spank my cousin years before and watch it go from a punishment to a beating, I couldn’t let it stand for another moment. 

Because God Forbid next time he hits someone else. And kills them. Or my cousins. I couldn’t stand the guilt.

But I’m honestly terrified of what it will do to my family. I’m afraid of it getting back to my grandmother, who pampers my uncle and pretends there’s nothing wrong. Who enables him and cleans up after his messes. I’m afraid she will disown me for doing this. 

I’m afraid that after CPS leaves the house (because, yes, they did see it as an incident that they needed to look into) that he’ll beat them, thinking they told someone, or called themselves. 

I’m afraid of him committing suicide, because he’s been downspiraling for so long, it’s definitely a possibility. I cannot stand the man at this point, but I don’t want to see that happen to the kids. I don’t want to see it pull apart my family. 

I’m afraid of what my mother might do if she finds out what I did with the “gossip” she gave me. 

I’m just out and out terrified. 

I know I did the right thing. I know it. And I would do it again to protect my cousins. They are innocent in this. 

But I’m so scared. 

I thought making the call might ease the tension I had over it. Might bring some relief. But the moment she said they would be sending someone to the house I started crying. I can’t help but see what might happen, and chills me to the bones.

What can I do to ease this pain? How can I live with myself if the consequences are dire? 

I think I’m going to be sick.