I fucking hate grocery stores.

Not just hate, but like FUCKING HATE.

I used to work in one if that helps with my homicidal anger over god damn grocery stores. (Which I should never mention at work ever again how they make me homicidal. I get enough weird looks already but that one might get me in trouble. I know my boss looked at me funny for about a week after that comment…)

So we’re grocery shopping, and for the most part it’s not too bad. Not so many dumb fucks flying around corners or parking their damn cart sideways across the aisle the second they see me entering the aisle and proceeding to pretend they don’t see me….in fact it was kinda fun. I ran around smacking into my dad’s cart insulting him when he pushed mine and generally scaring strangers. It was a good trip.

But my parents are checking out and their DUMB FUCK of a cashier is trying to scan one of their wine bottles, but it’s in a box and the box’s barcode won’t scan. The boy is completely perplexed. RAWR. Never mind the fact that he had just scanned an identical bottle of wine, but he didn’t have the common sense to think of scanning the one on the bottle inside the box by rotating the damn bottle. He looked at me in complete wonder when it worked and said “Do you work here?” (I thought he said “You should work here” but either way it makes him sound like a moron)…like only a magic cashier could figure out that maybe you’re scanning the wrong fucking barcode. REALLY?!?! Not rocket science asshole.

Now here are the dangers of working in a grocery store. Danger…it’s really only one.

You are surrounded by douchebags and asshats. It doesn’t matter if they are customers or coworkers they are bound to make you want to die inside.

No really, I don’t care how hard up for cash you are, if you are allergic to fucktards find a different job. For your own sake.

It was seriously the worst nine months spread out over a year of my life….yes you read that right, I was smart enough to quit and dumb enough to go back because I hate myself beyond all reason.

There’s absolutely no benefit in that job. Restaurants have food perks, retail has discount perks…grocery stores give you ten percent of generic items (because paying 36 cents instead of 40 for a jar of crap ass tomato sauce makes a huge difference. There’s a lot of disbenefits though. Shitty bosses….asshole customers that hate you but come into your line anyway because on some messed up level they hate themselves so they have to come to your line to rag on you to make them feel better about yourself (but you’re like a semester away from finishing the college education they could never hope to afford or be smart enough to get so fuck them)…

Deep breath…I’m okay.

I did enjoy parts of it. Like fucking over drunk ass college frat boys when they were making the last run of the night. I’d make sure they’d scan their munchies first so that by the time they scanned their alcohol it was past 2 and they were locked out. I always had such a hard time not laughing in their face everytime…Meanwhile I’d help the nice customers (yes, some existed and it was like a breath of fresh air) and make sure they knew to scan their alcohol first so that they were able to buy it. I’m evil but I like to think I was making things a little safer.

I really don’t have any good way to end this post but I think it’s for the best before I scream with memories that I have tried desperately to repress over the last three years (they’re enjoying their time chilling with high school memories…) so I’m just going to leave it with this wonderful sentiment:

For your own mental safety, just fucking order groceries online.