I had planned this to be a post about my incredibly fucked up dreams, and how my brain thinks it’s okay to drive a cardboard toboggan with shitty headlights down the freeway instead of my perfectly capable car that I had been driving just a SECOND ago in the dream, but no, something came up instead.

I am allergic to trees. TREES.

In the words of my junior in college self: FUCK PLANTS!

So at my chiropractor today, they decided to give me the standard allergy test – to be fair it wasn’t a random thing, I kinda signed up for it, but it sounds better if I say it was random, because it kinda felt like punishment. So I go in and sit down and she has me put out my arms like I’m a heroin addict waiting for my friend to shoot me up (I’m a codependant hypothetical heroin addict it seems) and she pulls out this tray and proceeds to line my arms with coloured dots like that candy dot thing you ate as a child until you realized you were eating more paper than candy.

Then she made me wait 15 minutes. Which is hell for someone that can’t sit still for five…so like any good person trying to shut up the crazy ADD kid, she gives me toys. Science toys, like the chart of what she just put on my arm and a tool to measure how big the hives are (this is so beyond fucked up…I’m paying someone to give me hives. Well…my insurance is, but STILL). At the end of this process I have two 7-9mm hives. Cool. They’re from trees. I’m now scratching “tree hugger” off of my list of things to become in my life.

So I go over to do the chiropractic side of things, and I’m getting my trigger point massage (it’s like a regular massage…just with more elbows) and my arm starts itching like crazy. They did give me Benadryl for the two hive spots so I’m thinking “Why the HELL is my arm itching? And why both, I only had two on the right arm? OW!” So I sit up, and I’ve now acquired about 5-6 more hives.

Awesome, now I’m allergic to the world…just in slow motion.

If this isn’t a reason to truly become a hermit, I don’t know what is…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to hide in my dark room where there are NO TREES and dream some crazy fucked up shit.